how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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