Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
