so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I need to calm my uterus...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
