Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
