yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
