I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
