the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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