Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
