I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
