Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
