I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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