she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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