Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
