dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
