My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
