So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
