Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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