someone owes me an orgasm
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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