I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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