Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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