I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we're making bets on your personal life
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
