I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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