I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Of course I have a pirate flag
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
