in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
