you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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