some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
