I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
