I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
