He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I want is dick and wine.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
