I CAN MOONWALK!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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