yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
