I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
