The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
