i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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