If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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