everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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