I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
