babies were throwing up all over the place
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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