Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just want nice things and good sex
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
