Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No I am not eating basil off your cock
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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