There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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