i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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