good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
