so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He is an equal opportunity slut.
this just has baby written all over it
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
