New low: just hacked my moms facebook
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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