I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
