How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
