i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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