y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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