oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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