wakey wakey hands off snakey
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
