make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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