didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
